Feature Columns
A real bird of a feather
By Dan St. Yves
Wednesday, September 24, 2008

This week‘s offering marks a bit of a milestone for this column – five years running –debuting originally in the Friday edition of this publication.
I recently took a long walk alongside a forested area to soak this occasion in, and the heavens seemed to send down a sign for today‘s column topic.
“If I were a bird, what bird would I be?” Signs are not always radiant.
Well, the bird species of Canada are many and varied. Choosing to be a Canada goose might be a logical, patriotic choice, I suppose, but frankly, those birds are always just one wayward golf ball wallop away from becoming a feather pillow.
A goosy life of leisure is certainly appealing, but perhaps I should choose a bird that stands for something other than pooping on every blade of grass in sight.
I‘ve always had an affinity for ducks. Ducks are pretty adorable – so that choice couldn‘t be all bad. However, they are known to do something similar to the goose family. That could lead to becoming foie gras, or “a la orange,” so maybe a mallard‘s life is not for me. . . .
An eagle? Ah, now there‘s a proud, majestic bird! The eagle soars regally above the rest of the forest, commanding the respect and admiration of all the other birds, and is often bald. So, there‘s at least one similarity, if you don‘t count the “commanding the respect and admiration of all the other birds” part.
I could be an owl, considered the thinking man‘s bird, routinely equated with human characteristics such as logic, reason and wisdom. The only downside I can see for being an owl is the diet – writhing mice might start to get a tad unappealing after a while.
If I had to go strictly by my current personality, I‘d probably choose to be a dove. Those birds are both a symbol of pacifism and a best-selling soap product.
One set of birds I would definitely not choose to be are magpies, crows or ravens. These are pretty-much land-based, ebony seagulls. Magpies are dirty, dirty birds. I will not be a magpie.
Clearly unable to decide for myself, I polled a few friends and family members on which bird I might be. Here are a few of the suggestions:
u Big Bird (thanks, I appreciate your input).
u Loon (Uh, thanks Mom. . .).
u Turkey (there‘s no need to get nasty, pal. . . ).
There are just too many choices to narrow the field down. I‘m going to have to put more thought to this endeavour. This clearly bird-brained endeavour.
- Dan St. Yves is a humour columnist. Check out Dan’’s website at www.nonsenseandstuff.com or contact him at ThatDanGuy@shaw.ca.