Feature Columns
New car smell
By Dan St. Yves
Thursday, September 11, 2008

If there‘s ever a love affair for the ages, it‘s when a guy buys a new (or newer) car.
Over the course of the first few days of owning a new vehicle, there is an exhibited stage of reverence, otherwise reserved for TV remotes, golf tee-off times and the expiry date on a case of beer.
A man that typically parks his old vehicle in the absolute closest stall to a favourite store will cautiously park his new car several stalls away from the closest vehicle in the lot. He will then pause, reconsider, and move it again – even further – lest another worried male with an even newer car parks beside his vehicle. As that is a complete possibility, the new car will eventually be parked in a church lot eight blocks away from the store.
When a male first purchases a new (or newer) vehicle, he‘s reluctant to even remove the shrink wrap. What if a leaf falls on the hood, and the sun fades the paint around the leaf? What if a fire hydrant suddenly explodes, and the projectiles hurtle far enough to penetrate the side panels? What if, God forbid, a crazy coyote just happens to be dropping a safe from a cliff, the one day you happen to be driving down a desert road?
These are the things that run through our male minds. I‘m sure most of us would install those plastic boat bumpers that people use to protect their watercraft, if they wouldn‘t bounce around so much on the car while you were driving.
These are all preventative steps, to ensure that the new “investment” stays secure. Let‘s not forget cleanliness in this process. A new vehicle is a car wash owner‘s dream come true. Do we do this for older vehicles? Not likely. Good heavy rain will eventually wash the grunge off of an older car.
While the average male attempts valiantly to protect the exterior of a new (or newer) vehicle, one day all the visionary fretting comes to horrifying fruition, as you approach your shiny, hand-waxed automobile, and notice – a ding! Some inconsiderate clown has obviously kicked open the door of his beat-up rust-bucket, as if he were Chuck Norris karate-kicking a steel warehouse door down.
From that moment, the car you had hoped to protect from the cruel whims of this harsh mistress we call life, will fall into the treatment all your other older vehicles have experienced. You‘ll start parking back in that tight spot close to the store, even if a truck carrying a load of unsecured scrap metal is parked on one side.
One day, though, you will own another new car. And you can pamper that one all over again . . .
- Dan St. Yves is a humour columnist. His column appears each Wednesday in eVent! Check out Dan’’s website at www.nonsenseandstuff.com or contact him at ThatDanGuy@shaw.ca.