Feature Columns
Indiana Jones & the Lot of Used Cars
By Dan St. Yves
Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Wasn‘t it just terrific to see old Indiana Jones back in action again? On a recent personal shopping expedition, I could have used Indy‘s adventurer skill set, or at least his bullwhip.
I don‘t know about you, but I typically dread entering a car lot. In my dream happy world, every car lot would be populated with kindly old grandfathers as salesmen, with whom I could chat about golf and fly-fishing as we perused the inventory of vehicles. No, wait – it would be better if the lots employed nuns. Nuns with merit badges.
Indiana Jones must have shopped for a used car at one time or another. How would he have made it out alive? Here are a few random and completely imaginary scenarios he may have faced, followed by the accompanying thought processes that may have raced through his mind at the time:
1) Indy arrives at an open-air vehicle showroom, and is greeted by an animated gentleman who whispers to him in a secretive sort-of way: “I‘m not supposed to tell you this, but my sales manager wouldn‘t have a problem with taking a hundred bucks off the price of this car.” How should Indy handle this situation?
a) Indy should make an offer – the car is priced at $125.
b) Indy should think about it overnight – the car is sticker-priced about $8,000 over the Blue Book value.
c) He should pull out his bullwhip – the salesman is talking about the car Indy drove up in!
2) Indy spots a used pickup truck that appears to be perfect for exploring ancient ruins, towing lost arks and hauling bulk mummy wrap. He asks the salesperson if they can take a test drive. After looking down and shuffling his feet awhile, the salesperson explains that this particular truck might be better analyzed if it stayed right where it was. What should Indy do?
a) Indy should honk the horn and kick the tires – “Buyer Beware” is a cryptic phrase to decipher another day.
b) Indy should ask if the truck was used previously as a taxi, or a stunt vehicle in one of those Fast & Furious movies.
c) He should pull out his bullwhip – the truck‘s nickname is “Waiter For The Lost Spark.”
3) Mr. Jones has finally found a used vehicle that meets his demanding specifications (it started when he turned the key) and has made an offer. The salesperson politely informs him that he must run the offer past his sales manager. What should Indy expect?
a) He should expect the time-honoured tradition of “good cop,” “bad cop” – a sales routine so old even the good cops and the bad cops picked it up from car lots located close to their precincts.
b) He should expect the haggling process to go into the wee hours of the morning, as every minute part of the offer is changed repeatedly, until a vintage 10-speed bicycle becomes the revised unit that his offer price affords.
c) Indy had better pull out his bullwhip – the dealership will never accept his Ford Tempo of Doom as a trade-in otherwise!
- Dan St. Yves is a humour columnist. His column appears each Wednesday in eVent! Check out Dan’s website at www.nonsenseandstuff.com or contact him at ThatDanGuy@shaw.ca.