Feature Columns
Gimme a break!
By Dan St. Yves
Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A few days ago I found it necessary to utilize a men‘s restroom, in a local neighbourhood restaurant. Bear with me – I am going somewhere with this, and I swear it‘s acceptably decent…
Once inside, and noticing no one else in the facility at that time, I sidled in for the task at hand. Just as I began to…umm…“water the ferns”, I heard an extremely loud and forceful voice bark out:
“No, no, no – unacceptable!”
Considering my location and stance at that particular moment, I admit I was taken quite aback by this abrupt and unlikely command. Taking into account the sudden timing of that disembodied booming voice, I will confess to “watering” more than just “the ferns”…
I will admit here as well that I frantically pondered whether a higher power had chosen that exact moment to speak to me, and if so, shouldn‘t that higher power have known that I was otherwise occupied?
Here‘s where this story starts to get strange. Attempting to muster my focus once again (after hearing a command one might normally give to a new puppy misbehaving in a formal living room), an entirely different voice boomed out:
“Buddy! What‘s up?”
Either there was a talking restroom stall behind me, or the voices inside my head were having a particularly enjoyable time at my expense. I briefly speculated that Disembodied Voice Number Two back there may have recognized the prior individual‘s voice, and decided to engage him in friendly conversation. Don‘t people respect the privacy of privies anymore?
Disembodied Voice Number One barked out another command, clearly not intended for me, or Number Two (pun intended):
“You tell Louie that he either gets in on time tomorrow, or he can pack up his desk when he does get in!”
Separate conversations I deduced, as I turned to confirm two separate washroom stalls behind me. Which was all fine and good, but those poor “ferns” still needed attention…
Disembodied Voice Number Two, suddenly and loudly:
“Nah, I‘m not busy. Where ya wanna hook up?”
Not busy? I would beg to differ. Not unless you include talking on a cell phone in a semi-public place. I like my cell phone as much as the next person, but there are certain times when I defer to voicemail. Must…water…ferns…
Disembodied Voice Number One:
“I mean it! You tell Louie to get his act together!”
My recommendation? Worry about Louie later, for Pete‘s sake! That is NOT a phone booth!
By that time, no matter how dry the ferns were in that restroom, all this commentary proved non-conducive to concentration.
I opted to abandon my mission…
Here‘s my thought: there‘s talk of banning cell phone use in cars. There should be some sort of restriction on cell phone use in a public restroom? Is it asking too much to suggest people hold the phone for a few moments, while they attend to “ferns” and such?
And if I were Louie, I would hate to find out that my employment future was determined from a bathroom stall.
- Dan St. Yves is a humour columnist. His column appears each Wednesday in eVent! Check out Dan’’s website at www.nonsenseandstuff.com or contact him at ThatDanGuy@shaw.ca.